He obviously made it up, or at least he made up the description.

While Mirthful had his ear to the collapsed ceiling (now a wall), he heard a rustle behind him. No way was he going to get caught again! He turned around immediately bringing his bladed crutches to bear. And it was once of those frackin' orcs again! Mirthful immediately rushed at him but suddenly found his crutches entangled by something leathery. Next they DISAPPEARED! He looked up and saw a man holding his crutches in one hand and a whip in the other. "I don't think you should attack Gimp, Jr. He tends to take offense at that and kills whoever attacks me. He's my pet, so don't worry. As long as you don't make ME mad, you have nothing to worry from Gimp, Jr." "What the frack is going on?!" queried Mirthful. He took a good look at the orc now and saw that it had no legs, which is why it was able to stare at Mirthful at eye level. "I cut them off for his own good. By the way my name is Speedy Bollocks. Who are you?" "Mirthful Eviscerator." "Ah. We heard a noise here, and judging from your speech, you seem to be a former banana grower. So was I. Tell us how we can help." "My friend Chad is stuck behind that pile of rocks." "Hmm. That's easy enough to solve. Gimp! Move dem' rock!" The biplegic orc smiled from ear to ear and immediately started moving the rocks as if he were tossing crumpled balls of parchment. Soon he made a man-sized hole through which Chad could walk through. "Mirthful!" "Chaddy boy!" "ORCCC!" Chad was soon disarmed of his weapon as well. "Just HOW do you do that?" Mirthful asked Speedy. "I was lucky enough to find this jewel on this level. It disarms your opponent every so often, which is incredibly useful." "And how did you end up making one of those scalp-hunters so friendly that he literally purs and rubs up against your knee like a cat?" asked both Chad and Mirthful. "That I owe to this nice little instrument hear. It take a bit of practice, but with this lyre I can sometimes recruit monsters to serve my purposes." "Why did you cut off his legs?" asked Mirthful. "I use Gimp, Jr. for training every so often. Just kick him once, and he'll return to his old self and kicking and screaming. The problem is that although I've learned quite a bit from him from training with this here whip, he actually learns much faster than me! He's also become amazingly strong these last few weeks! One time, he nearly killed me in one of our training sessions and I barely reached my lyre in time. So I cut off his legs after that so that I could put some distance between us when I need it. It doesn't affect his combat readiness at all. He drags himself along on one hand and bashes monsters with the other, which is armed with a rock. Isn't that right, gimpy?" "Meoowww!" "WHAT?!" asked by Mirthful and Chad. "You made an orc Meoww?!" "That's what happens when you get on their good side--they become the perfect pets." Mirthful and Chad shook their heads while Gimp, Jr. made cooing sounds and begged to petted by Speedy. You could almost picture a huge heart blinking above the biplegic orc's head.

Don't want to interfere with characters I don't know squat about, so I'll just contribute a character death list. Current characters (minor and major) dead: Random Garcia: Ripped apart violently by pack of wolves. Mike: Ripped apart by the SAME pack of wolves. (Presumed deaths, if this never happened I'll delete this post.)

Chaddy had been panicked, but the presence of Mirthful and the addition of 2 new allies to their teamed calmed him. Panic was now replaced by anger. "Let's go cream that friggin' plant! She nearly killed me with one bite! Let's go kill her!" Chad mouthed. "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Speedy interrupted, "Listen to yourself. 'She nearly killed me with one bite,' and you wanna' go back for more without ANY preparation?! Get real, plantation boy!" "He's right, judging from the number of people we've been meeting, there must be other compatriots running around these corridors which we can convince to join forces with us. And even with more men, we need to prepare." said Mirthful. "First, let's go to a safer location," said Speedy and led the way out of the corridor. Gimp, Jr. took point. On the way a few goblins attempted to ambush them, but Gimp, Jr. made short work of them with his rock. They usually managed to hit first, but Gimp didn't react with pain. He simply, unelegantly bashed them once, and was able to sunder them from head to toe. With a rock! Finally they reached a large 3 x 3 room. There as a chest inside. "First we need to get healed up. Then we need to rest. Then we need to train ourselves and think up a plan on how to take down that plant. I want to go deeper and deeper as well, but that damn plant is holdin' me up. Gimp! Guard the door!" "Meeoww!!" Mirthful and Chad came in inside and laid down on either side of the chest. Speedy gave them a healing potion each. "Gimp never falls asleep during patrol, but if it would make you feel better, we can all take turns supplementing his watch."

A meowing pet orc, i think you should go and see a doctor. I think it's just what the doctor ordered, actually.

A couple parties of goblins passed the entrance to the room while everyone else was resting, but Gimp, Jr. make short work of them with his rock in hand. Finally, after everyone was properly healed up, Speedy said, "All right guys, now we begin training in earnest. I'll need Chad to guard the door. Mirthful, I NEED you to cover me in case something goes wrong. Gimp! Come here!" Gimp, Jr. "walked" across the room on his two hands. "Meoww!" "Allright, now I'm gonna' kick him to enrage him and start my 8-hour training session. Trust me, this works pretty well. The concept is much different from using a speed bag during boxing and dogding the oncoming bag every so often--pretending that it's an enemy boxer. I'm just doing the same thing with this whip. Also, Gimp will be trying to kill me in earnest, keeping me motivated to improve my skills and save my scalp. Ready?" "Yea~" said Mirthful, as he frowned deeply. Speedy kicked Gimp hard in the face. Gimp, Jr.'s eyes threatened to bulge out of his face with absolute rage and his battle scream threatened to bring the ceiling down. "ME WANTS YOUR SCALP!" The fearsome rock that he wielded was soon brought to bear, while Speedy dodged or blocked it with his whip. After about 4 hours of this, Speedy had worked up a pretty good sweat, but also seemed to get noticeably better at using his whip. "Hey Mirthful, why don't you give this a try? I'm gonna feast on some goblin meat and have a chat with Chad." Mirthful walked towards Gimp, Jr. as Speedy ran away. The orc couldn't move nearly as fast and was soon whacked smartly across the head by Mirthful's bladed crutches. Mirthful soon found that fighting against this ultra-strong orc was tougher than it looked. The orc also seemed to have gotten better over the last 4 hours and would initiate more clever attacks every so often which would catch Mirthful off guard. But pretty soon, Mirthful was starting to get the hang of it, like a beginning boxer gets the hanging of practicing with a speed bag. Mirthful really had to think even when fighting against this dumb orc. The couple times he stopped concentrating, Gimp, Jr. would bring that rock down hard on some part of his body and it HURT! Gimp, Jr. also seemed to be getting somewhat faster with his attacks. Since Mirthful only had half-legs, he had to work harder than Speedy to deflect and initiate attacks. Although he tried hard not to hurt Gimp, Jr., he impaled the poor orc every so often. Mirthful suddenly heard a beautiful tune, and Gimp, Jr. started meowing again. "Let's call it day, shall we? Tomorrow we can bring Chad up to speed. I think one of us will have to train with Chad though, cause Gimp., Jr. may accidentally kill him, and we can't have that happening. Chad! Bring in more goblins for a barbeque!"

Although Gimp, Jr. was slightly wounded, he was in as high spirits as ever. It was as if nothing had happened. All those hours of taking hits to the head from Speedy's whip and Mirthful's bladed crutches had simply gone away after he heard that magical tune. After several helpings of smoked goblin garnished with bell peppers (from Speedy's decanter. This guy has everything!), the party finished up with a bottle of good 'ol vodka. Aw, this was the life. Next, Mirthful stood guard while Speedy kicked Gimp, Jr. again and coached Chad how to attack and defend against him with his sword. Over the next 8 hours, Chad almost got killed a couple times, but Speedy would always step in just in time to put himself between the two while handing a healing potion to Chad for him to get his wits back. But... Speedy played his lyre this time but it didn't work! "SCALP!" Gimp, Jr. screamed while frothing saliva and blood. "ME WANTS YOUR SCALP!" "Gosh, he sounds like he really means it," said Chad. "You think?!" Speedy remarked sarcastically, while sweating ever more profusely while blocking and dodging Gimp's ever more skillful and rapid blows. In fact, Speedy was almost unable to attack Gimp, since the latter had gotten to fast. "All.. Right... Guys... *pant, pant* We can't use the lyre for about another hours. And I can't hold up against him. So you guys will have to switch with me in 30 minutes intervals. Otherwise he will kill me and then the rest of you." Of course, plans never work out this way. What with the din of battle, the smell of goblin barbeque, and funky lyre music, monsters were bound to be attracted to this room. As Mirthful was distracted by what had been happening, his head was turned away from the outside of the door. A particularly large goblin clubbed him across the head to knock him unconscious while sneaking in the room to backstab one of the two others. Strangely enough, Gimp was in such a frenzy, he just attack everything in sight. He arced back and then slapped the stone right THROUGH the goblin, sending it's left half slamming into the west wall, and the right half slamming into the east wall. At this point, Speedy frantically clawed for his lyre and played a tune. Right when he finished his diddy, Gimp crushed the instrument with his last blow before becoming like a passive Cheshire Cat again. "Bollocks!" Speedy eponymously cried, "We won't be able to use that again!" Then an entire troop of goblins streamed into the small room and an all out Brouhahah ensued. Although the party was stronger than the goblins, in the confusion they all ended slashing each other as well. Another wave of goblins streamed in. More slashing ensued. Nobody knew who anyone was in the swirl of blood, gunk, and dust. Finally the gore settled, and Chad, Mirthful, and Speedy were completely exhausted. They noticed that that one monster was still standing. Although they tried to attack, they were too tired. It said, Rest thy swords, mighty ones For in thee condition, thee not be suited to even attacking a group 'o crippled huns Nay, rest they swords, ye heroic three And on da' morrow, we shall best dat' monstrous tree (= Vesana in bard-rap speak) Me heroes, ye have been trainin' like rabid orx Dis be mo' respectable dan' sittin' around like a bunch o' dorx Rest they swords, me say I rap because I can't say like Marvin Gay I be Warblin' Knife, da' bard, NAY! da' muse o' deze dungeons I be singin' and rappin' up a storm when me don't have da runs On da' right we gots da hero wid half-legs Afta' dis incredible battle he deserves to drink some kegs On da' left we gots da clueless yet lethal hero Fo' him I bequeath a tasty Gyro (and he throws one to Chad) In da' center we gots a buff beastmaster But ya gots to move faster In da' corner we have da' loyal orc-cat Don't get with it into any spat Me be da muse o' dis dungeon And me keeps rappin' unless hit wid a truncheon Yes, me man... And he kept on rhymin'. Chad, Mirthful, and Speedy could only stare, but they were relieved that they had found another stalwart ally. They would rest up and attack the mother plant on the 'morrow, just like the bard-rapper said.

After a day of resting, the four stalwart adventurers formed up the first “Kill Jenny” party. Gimp, Jr. brought up the front, followed by Warblin’ Blade, Chad, and Mirthful. Chad gave them directions back to Jenny’s lair. They took down several copses of plants which popped up along the way. Gimp did most of the fighting in these minor scuffles. Finally, they reached the entrance to the room containing Jenny. Everyone’s hair stood on end. Warblin’ Blade began singing a ditty to rally their spirits: Before da’ fearsome Jenny we have come Sound da’ war drum! Stalwart comrades, gather thy arms Say yo’ last wishes to yo’ marms Yessum, we be four We be here for da’ gore! Then all of a sudden Warblin’ got stage fright and couldn’t improve any more. Chad was pumped though, and took the initiative, “CHARGE!” And they all rushed into the room pell-mell striking down Jenny’s guardian plants in an all-out effort to take down the monstrous mother plant.

Orc, Jr. took the brunt of the damage as he faithfully sallied forth. Although he was powerful, he had but his arms to attack with, and after killing four or five of the guardian plants, was strung up in the air by the jaws of two gigantic guardian plants which had just sprung out of the ground. Warblin' whipped here and there, but his weapon was ill suited to combat against the defending plants. They had no weapons to disarm, and for every "crack!" of his whip, they answered with 2 or 3 bites just as quickly. Me be a stalwart warrior Yes, dat' be right I've got da might We be prosecutin' dis skirmish good an' tight Whippin' it right and left I be a bad-ass bard, all good and deft AHHHHHHHHH!!! Both of Warblin's legs were taken out from under him by a concerted wave of bites. As he fell, he accidently knocked Gimp, Jr. across the head with his whip. It was now Gimp against the world. He didn't like nobody, and he got vocal about it. "How you like dat' now, fool?! Eh?! You be legless jus' like me! Ahh!" A bite from the surrounding plants silenced Gimp. In fact, they ripped his jaw right out of his churlish orcish skull. AHHHHHHH! EEHHHHHHH! It was a cacophonous symphony of pain. Mirthful and Chad were slashing right and left, desperate just to defend themselves. "Methinks dis' was a bad, bad idea. We haven't even closed wid' Sally yet, and we hurt real bad" said Mirthful. Chad said, "Yeah. These plants spring up faster than we can beat them down. Especially since they're guarding their queen. How bout' we just beat it? We don't owe those other two jack crap. You know how it is, every banana grower for himself." "Me hear's you good, Chaddie boy. But a honest banana-monger no be throwin' away his friends when da' digested banana be hittin' da fan, you catch me meaning, mon?" AHHH! ERK! Mirthful was silenced as well by a sudden strafe of jaw attacks. Soon no more cries were heard from the rapper-bard and his pet, and Mirthful and Chad, blinded with their own blood, could do naught by slash blindly like killing machines run amok. Slowly, the rate of plants spawning slowed. But Mirthful and Chad were unaware of this, blinded as they were, and kepting swinging at full speed. Finally, they knew they had dispatched the guardian plants because they slashed at nothing but air. "Chaddie BOY! We did it! It be now o' never!" Mirthful bounded forward with incredible speed and used his crutches to pole vault himself into a flying double maneuver into Jenny's right eye. As Mirthful scored home, Jenny reared back her head like an injured dinosaur and shook Mirthful from side to side. Mirthful simply sunk his other crutch into her left eye. Her convulsions grew more pronounced and Mirthful was tossed 30 meters back over Chad's head. Chad dashed force sunk his short sword deep into Jenny's torso. He sunk the sword all the way end and part of his hand even went in. He twisted the blade up, down, right, and left. Jenny's motions slowed, an Mirthful had dusted himself off and approached again. "MARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" he screamed with abandon and catapulted himself into the air again, this time near severing Jenny's neck in a strafing run. Chad pulled out his sword and sunk it in deep again, twisting the blade in all directions. "How you like that, plant bitch!?" Mirthful had run back 10 meters and pole-vaulted himself yet again, this time severing the neck from the opposite side. Jenny's head went somersaulting through the air, and the body collapsed to the ground with a thud. "We did it, skinboy!"

Plants definatly don't have eyes..... Anyway, where's speedy? Characters status: (in order of appearance) Chad: Alive! Mike: Ripped apart by a pack of wolves. Random Garcia: Ripped apart by a pack of wolves. Mirthful: Alive! Speedy: Killed by an unseen force. Gimp Jr: Slaughtered by hoards of plants. Warblin' Blade: Slaughtered by hoards of plants. Uniques: Genetrix Vesana the Mother Carnivorous Plant: Killed Gimp Jr, Warblin' Blade. Killed by Chad, Mirthful.

Thanks for reminding me. I completely forgot about Speedy in my haste to bring down the big plant boss. Will address him in a few hours.